Particularize Appertaining To Books Ice Planet Barbarians (Ice Planet Barbarians #1)
| Title | : | Ice Planet Barbarians (Ice Planet Barbarians #1) |
| Author | : | Ruby Dixon |
| Book Format | : | Kindle Edition |
| Book Edition | : | Deluxe Edition |
| Pages | : | Pages: 188 pages |
| Published | : | April 3rd 2015 by Ruby Dixon |
| Categories | : | Romance. Science Fiction. Aliens. Adult Fiction. Erotica. Fantasy |
Ruby Dixon
Kindle Edition | Pages: 188 pages Rating: 3.88 | 13382 Users | 1698 Reviews
Commentary In Pursuance Of Books Ice Planet Barbarians (Ice Planet Barbarians #1)
Anyone who knows me knows that this is not the type of book I normally read. How, then, do I come to be reviewing it? Well, therein lays a tale…It all started innocently enough one night as I flipped idly through a dog-eared copy of The Collected Poems of John Keats, my eyes full of starry daydreams (even though it was nighttime). I heard a strange sound, felt my limbs grow heavy, my eyelids droop, and…
The next thing I remember is groggily waking up to the sensation of something not-so-gently probing my backside, as though I’d awakened in the middle of a colonoscopy. I am not habitually awakened in this manner, so I immediately sensed something out of the ordinary was transpiring. That supposition was confirmed when I turned my head to the right and saw a 9-foot-tall tree-like creature sitting next to me, complete with shiny striations, leafy hair, perky acorn nipples and one heck of a knobby woody (if you will). Being an astute and keen observer of my immediate surroundings in the Sherlockian tradition, even in my foggy state of being, I surmised that this creature’s twig-like fingers were the source of my backdoor discomfort, mainly because I could see the creature’s twig-like fingers working my no-no hole like a Chinese finger trap.
“Whoa!” I shouted, instantly alert, though whether that was a result of waking up to find that I was next to what I could only guess was an alien in the midst of a spaceship or being explored in a way no tree has ever had the temerity to undertake, I can’t say. “Rules of courtesy would suggest that you at least lubricate those things before you insert them,” I shouted. “Even better, maybe buy a guy a steak dinner first, huh?”
“Etneke grekean elteeeiwn,” growled the creature.
“I would rather you didn’t,” I replied, nonplussed.
“Ceiten metlr burrge Ferbuglun grirbllwalp?"
“No, I don’t speak Ferbuglun; I just hang out at dentist’s offices a lot. Listen to enough people mumbling their way around a drill and eventually you can translate pretty much anything.”
(Author’s note: from this point on, I will present all dialogue in English instead of Ferbuglun, for ease of reading.)
“What is a dentist?” asked the alien.
“It’s not important. What IS important is that you’re making me exceedingly uncomfortable with your probing of my dark and stormy.”
The alien frowned, his woody countenance not dissimilar from our own when perplexed. “How else am I to learn of humans?”
“Oh, I don’t know…try a book first, maybe. Or, you could just ask. Frankly, you’re going to learn very little from sticking things up my manhole, other than perhaps what I had for dinner and whether or not I strain too much whilst in the process of passing excrement—and, to save you the trouble of probing any further, the answers are turkey sandwich and, yes, a little, though I’m working on it at my proctologist’s request.” I motioned toward my oaken friend’s exceedingly long appendage. “So, maybe you could back it out a little?”
I relaxed as he sighed and complied with my request. “I do not understand how I err in my approach. I have probed hundreds of humans and have learned very little.”
“Yeah, well, I think that’s because you’re coming at it from the wrong direction. I’m Sean, incidentally. And you are Mr….?”
“Your unsophisticated binary gender constructs do not allow for me to properly express what I am. As such, your ‘Mr.’ is not a proper form of address. But, you may call me Gleeble.”
“I’d say nice to meet you, Gleeble, but I would be lying. It’s really pretty terrible to have met you, at least under these circumstances.” Hmmm. What IS the right pronoun? It seems that the great writers—Ursula LeGuin in The Left Hand of Darkness, me in this review of Ice Planet Barbarians—are always struggling with gender and the limits of the English language. I’ll go with “it,” I guess. “So…what is it, exactly, that you’re trying to learn?”
“My people are dying. For reasons unknown, our reproductive rate has decreased to an alarmingly low level. I have been tasked with determining whether humans will make suitable reproductive vessels.”
“You’re not going to have a whole lot of luck producing saplings by knocking at the back door. And especially not on someone like me, who’s all man. ALL man.”
“I see.” Gleeble reached over to a small table and picked up a book, which it began to flip through. “This tome, obtained from your planet, indicates a strong willingness on the part of the members of your female species to engage in sexual congress with aliens, even for the purposes of cross-species procreation.”
He handed me a copy of Ice Planet Barbarians: The Complete Series: A SciFi Alien Serial Romance. I flipped through it briefly. “I’m not entirely sure this is the best basis for making that assumption. Besides, like I said, I’m a man.”
“It is difficult to tell sometimes,” confessed Gleeble.
“Okay, quick anatomy lesson. This dangly thing, hanging here, which would very much like to be covered up again? That’s a lady plugger, and the little things below it are giggleberries. Women don’t have those.”
“I have studied many humans. Your…lady plugger is of similar size to the clitorati on your females.”
“It’s…no, it’s not…similar size? What? First off, I don’t think that’s the proper plural of that word. Second, what kind of mutant clitorises are you looking at?”
“In fact, your penile unit seems quite small compared to most…clitorises. Is that the correct word?”
Uninvited clacker intrusion and small penis cracks. I hate aliens. “Well, whatever the case, I can’t bear children, and I don’t think this book is going to help you much.”
“My superiors have requested a summary of it. Perhaps you can assist me in showing them that it is, perhaps, inaccurate?”
I shrugged. It wasn’t like I had anywhere else to go, seeing as how we were zipping along at light speed. I took the book and began to read. A short time later, I set it down and looked at Gleeble, who had remained silently by my side, massaging itself with its twig fingers and making creaky moans on occasion. It was weird, but who am I to judge? I once got down with myself in the bathroom of an airplane while flying over international waters after a screening of Pretty Woman, so maybe it’s a travel thing.
“All right, let’s talk about this book. Your first mistake is in taking it literally.”
“What do you mean?” asked Gleeble.
“It’s an allegory. An extended metaphor. It’s really a commentary on gender roles and identity in the post-Internet era as well as a scathing critique of the American class system, which is an unacknowledged but very real byproduct of discriminatory laws and social constructs. All of that massive alien schlonging is just a way of showing how much the American people get screwed over by their government.”
“And what of when the alien Vektal masticates the earth woman’s birth canal until she achieves a state of orgasm? Does that not speak of an Earth woman’s arousal at the prospect of mating with a different species?”
“Ew, God, no…don’t say it that way. When he tongue bangs her hoo-ha, it’s really just a way of showing how women are so frequently chewed up and spit out by a dominant, and misogynistic, corporate patriarchy.”
Gleeble looked thoughtful. “So, you do not believe that Earth women would readily take my people into the warmest folds of their flesh to receive our mating seed and then incubate our larva for the 17-year gestational period our offspring require?”
“Gleeble, my friend…have you ever talked to a woman in the third trimester of her pregnancy? Because if you haven’t, you really should before you consider extending that for another 16 and a quarter years.”
“These are troubling revelations. We had been led to believe by a documentary film we obtained entitled ‘Earth Girls Are Easy’ that we had found the solution to our problem.”
“Documentary?! That’s not a…good lord, Greeble. Look, here’s the bottom line: Earth is NOT the solution to your problem. Try Venus, maybe.” I handed the book to him. “I believe this is yours.”
Gleeble gave me a quizzical look. “Why does your very small penile unit appear to be in a state of tumescence? I say ‘appear’ because its size has not noticeably increased, as I believe is common in the males of your species when aroused, though perhaps that is a result of its exceedingly tiny stature.”
“Seriously, it’s not that small, and I’m not…not…” I could feel myself blushing. “Allegory or no, sometimes when a man reads about things like a weird alien guy paying lip service to a lovely lady, well, certain biochemical reactions take place that can’t be avoided.” I grimaced. “Shut up. And take me home.”
It nodded. “You have been of considerable help. Normally, I eat the humans after I probe them, but I will return you to your domicile.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. Gleeble wasn’t such a freakish alien perv after all. “Come here, you big lug—bring it in for the real thing,” I said. We embraced. “Oh, hey. Didn’t realize you had tentacles, too. Could you get them out of there, please?”
“Okay,” said Gleeble sheepishly.
“Mystery appendage, too—let’s have none of that. Leave my balloon knot alone.”
“Sorry.”
Sometime later, I woke up in my bed, drool covering my book of Keats poetry. I had a pounding headache and was a bit uncomfortable elsewhere, but otherwise unharmed. I was relieved to be home, but lamented the fact that the entire female population of the earth would never know that I’d just saved them from being concubines for massive, androgynous tree creatures. Of course, it’s not entirely out of the question that some of them would have been furious at me for denying them the opportunity.
Women…always a mystery.
(There is a rumor--unsubstantiated, mind you--that this review was the inspiration for Rod Holder's magnum opus Water for Alien Were-Dinos. I don't like to perpetuate rumors, mind you, but sometimes where there's smoke...well, Rod Holder might be standing there holding a match.)
(Thanks—I think—to the super awesome JABS buddy read group (Jess, Aileene, and Brynne) for, um, making me do this!)
Be Specific About Books In Favor Of Ice Planet Barbarians (Ice Planet Barbarians #1)
| Original Title: | Ice Planet Barbarians ASIN B00UB6OO2I |
| Edition Language: | English URL http://rubydixon.com/wordpress/books/ice-planet-barbarians/ |
| Series: | Ice Planet Barbarians #1 |
| Characters: | Georgie, Vektal |
Rating Appertaining To Books Ice Planet Barbarians (Ice Planet Barbarians #1)
Ratings: 3.88 From 13382 Users | 1698 ReviewsDiscuss Appertaining To Books Ice Planet Barbarians (Ice Planet Barbarians #1)
PopSugar Challenge 2015 SPILLOVER (because I am a challenge failure, oops.) Category: A book a friend recommended (Shout out to Future-Gurl)3 Ridged-for-her-pleasure StarsA review in contradiction: Wherein the Vampire Ninjas enjoyment of smut battles her logic system.(Well call it ovaries vs. brain.) Brain: What the ever-loving HELL?? Why the fuck does this smut commence with a very brutal and largely overlooked rape scene?? Not to mention a blasé oh and it happened once more before the crash
Aliens!!!! To be perfect frank I loved this series wayy more than I should've. Vektal discovers this strange pale thing that doesn't speak proper language "You will stay here, I tell her. Ill hunt something for you to eat.She babbles something in her weird language. Hly sht thse thngs r hugednt leev me! To be honest it was pretty entertaining having Vektal trying to figure out the language while you were also breaking down whatever Georgie was gibbering about. Georgie was cute and had an inner
Yesterday? I didn't believe in aliens. But that was yesterday.
Sorry to make light of your trauma with the use of "hanky panky." Interstellar anal violation then?
4 Sexy Alien StarsThis was a super funny and sexy read. The characters were great and entertaining and I felt pretty invested with them until the end :) .I loved the world building, and the landscape described, tho I am one of those persons that hate winter passionately).What I didn't like was the name our heroine has .. Georgie .. makes me think of IT.. sooo creepy....Another yaks element was the cootie ( symbiont , the organism that lives in symbiosis with his host) that the girls had to
Apparently, I'm an alien smut ass bitch now. I fucking loved this.TW: abduction, rape
0 comments:
Post a Comment